- Monica... - 'Who's Monica?'
- Mum... - Mum?
She looks absolutely beautiful. l miss her.
- Marry me. - You know l've got a boyfriend.
Two grand's worth of debt and still rising!
- 'Where is he?' - 'We have got bailiffs front and back.'
'Do you know your new name, Frank? Dead Man Walking.'
Mr Wilson, Housing Officer.
You won't get away with that one cos l'll haunt you for every last penny,
- madam. - (Screaming)
He's no more help than you. We'd have been better off without both of you.
Over to you...Mum!
Your house. Drive.
'Nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who l'm proud of,
'cos every one of 'em reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves
'which they've me to thank for.'
Run for it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help.
'Lip's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan is like his mam, which is handy for the others
'cos she's vanished into thin air.
'We daren't let Carl grow his hair for two reasons.
'One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love him.
'Debbie! Sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change, but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam! Gonna be a star.
'Once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve - Fiona's boyfriend.
'The truth is out there. Not.
'Fantastic neighbours - Kev and Veronica.
'Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh-heh-heh-heh! Scatter!'
(Wailing)
(Frank) 'l've dreamt about lesbians for as long as l can remember
'but l bet l'm the only bloke who, when his best wish gets granted,
'has to accept that the only lezzer he'll ever get his hands on
'is his ex-wife.
'Not only is she not in the sack with Olivia Newton-John,
'she's picked an oppo who's bigger and stronger than l am
'and earns more than l ever could.'
(Carl) Mum, come and make the breakfast.
Jesus. Oh, my God.
- Y'all right, Norm? - No, summat just moved.
- God, it is. lt's a bloody rat! - Don't be daft. lt'll be the wind.
(Squeaking)
So what's this?
A fart in a fur?
(Debbie) Mum, we're gonna be late for school!
You cannot tread backwards, Monica.
You don't belong here.
(Frank) 'The day l married Monica was the happiest day of my life.
'The day she left me looking after six kids, l thought,
'''Right, fuck her.'' The day she reappears after three years
'l just thought, ''Absolutely. Go on, Frank. Fuck her.'''
You spent the last three years burying all this.
There you go, love.
Oh, l can't eat eggs. l'm allergic. They're Carl's.
Carl! Your tits are ready!
- You never used to be allergic to eggs. - l almost died from 'em.
Your mum's trying to have a conversation here.
We can do our own breakfast.
- lf you want privacy, go back in the van. - lt stinks!
- Never used to. - l've just killed a rat that size.
- Haven't l, Mon? - Yeah.
What size?
What colour?
Who in their right mind keeps a rat as a pet?
Pack up. We're going back to Moston.
lt's like Village Of The Damned.
- Who else will look after 'em? - Never bothered you before.
Well, Fiona was here before.
l'm not asking for a court report, only if she sorted the school uniform out.
Yes, cos lan nipped round with the milk.
- So Monica hasn't abandoned the kids? - lt was all kosher when l popped round.
Even Carl's? lf he forgets his tie one more time, they'll suspend him.
- Oi! l'm trying to have a life here! - 'Oh, fine.'
l'll go round and check in three minutes.
Make sure the kids have all got my number and enough cash.
Shall l do the washing-up as well(? )
- l'm being serious. - 'And me brief.'
Ring us back in...half an hour or so.
What are they like?
Be quick. l want to check Carl's got his tie.
Aye, hang on. That's it.
Oh, Kev! Oh!
- (Whirring) - (Frank) # Sunshine on a rainy day
# Sunshine on a rainy day #
(Hairdryer off)
Yeah, you're right. lt fits.
A month ago, you said you wouldn't be seen dead in it.
Can't you take a joke? l'm going for a paper. Owt you want?
Yeah, get us enough for an overdose. Tell the chemist l'll pay him later.
Joke! Just practising.
Hey, and a good 'un.
See you later.
l usually get a kiss.
(lmaginary birds screeching)
(Frank) (Kev, see if anyone's looking for us.)
- Watch. Watch. - (Phone bleeping)
Two bailiffs, six o'clock.
- ls that front or back? - Back, back. So be sharp.
And watch out for Wilson.
lt's the shirt l'm feeling sorry for.
lt's not my fault he's getting a stiffy for his ex.
Best not be either.
Hughesy! Hughesy, come here.
Michael, over.
Monica? Frank wants to see you.
Don't dribble on that. You're not keeping it.
Not you! Where's Monica?
Two reasons why Monica'll never make it home - size doesn't matter
and it's just a blister. lt'll fade.
Day we wed, it was till death do us part.
- lf that's a threat... - No.
lt's just a promise that she made me on our wedding day.
Are these dead, fellas?
Here, chick. Fetch us a couple of bevvies and whatever Worzel's having.
Pint of Dog, cheese and onion pie and some more nuts. She's paying.
More nuts? ln your dreams, daddio.
That's a good 'un.
- ls he allowed all this? - Frank thinks l owe him big style
- so he can have what he wants. - And two Es.
Two years ago
we rescued a woman and her kids from a total psycho.
l'm not fucking interested.
She'd have been dead now if we hadn't killed her.
Cos of him, she owed thousands.
And she walked away without so much as a paper bill.
All we needed was one official agency to list her as dead.
Within a week, it all went as quiet as a mouse for her.
No debts, no bailiffs, no hassle...
just like that.
lmagine that, Frank.
You pretend to be dead, but your debts die for real.
Actually, Sheila,
we've had complaints about noise from the neighbours.
You having a bit of trouble?
Frank's ex coming round shouting the odds.
They haven't seen each other for a bit so they'd a lot to say, as it happens.
You and Fiona, you're as mad as each other.
You'll spend your lives cleaning up after Frank. ls he worth that?
l'd give my right arm to spend my life cleaning up after Frank.
- Have you met Monica? - No.
Cracking on, she's a lesbian. l saw the way she looked at him.
- Fiona's mum's a lesbian? - Not for long, she's not. You watch.
Hey, hey... Here y'are.
l can't see anybody fighting over Frank.
l would if l could.
She's got her feet back under the table at Fiona's
except it's not Fiona's cos she's forced her out.
- What? Fiona's gone? - No choice. She's gone to live...
- Where's she gone? - Aaargh!
- Aaaarghh, Michael! - What?
(Screaming)
- What've you done to her? - Tissue!
- lt's there in your hand. - l know!
l wiped me eyes!
Chillies! Cooking with chillies!
- l can't see! - Bring her to the sink!
- Let's have a look. - Don't touch her if you held the towel!
- l'm blind! - Here you are, this way. This way.
Rest on t'wall.
Come into the kitchen. Sheila!
(Sheila screaming)
Here y'are, slam this over your fa...
- (Shrieking hysterically) - Over here, Sheila.
Oh, my God!
- Where am l? - Home.
- Chatsworth Estate. - Where am l standing?
Garden.
(Birds singing)
l did it.
l went outside.
- Where's Fiona gone? - Five years.
''She's gone to live round...''
Steve's.
- Oh, God. l think l'm going to faint. - No, you're fine, Mrs Jackson.
l know...
(Thudding)
Well, how does it work, then?
Two teams of girls. We've done it for years.
A Team deals with deaths and overseas.
B Team specialises in ''domestic'' manoeuvres.
Helping like-minded chicks do a runner. Yeah, and money, accommodation etc.
So which one are you?
- You need military training for A. - We're B.
- So...you helped Monica leave me? - No, that was Cindy, l think.
- The two Juliets. - Oh.
So you knew you were a lezzer before you fucked off?
She's always been a chick, Frank,
so don't build your hopes up. She can't even look at a penis without gagging.
So what would l have to do if l went along with all this?
The least, which is lucky.
He thinks he stands a chance and he won't listen to me.
Well, don't apologise... Stan, yeah?
Everyone's entitled to give it their best shot. You can't hate him for it.
Why's he sniffing round Chatsworth for a love life if he can get it anywhere?
Think about what you've just said and apologise when you've worked it out.
- l'm not saying that. - You are fucking saying!
- l'm not good enough for him? - No, no, no.
OK, maybe it came out wrong, but... you think about what l said, Fiona.
A middle-class bloke, money, a fucking house this size...
Come on. You don't meet people like that.
People like you do not meet people like that.
Oh, yeah, and Steve loves Chatsworth so much
- he asked you to move in here. - No, it was my idea.
He thinks coming here is a mistake.
- For? - Me, the kids.
l have left them with my mum and her girlfriend -
neither of 'em capable of running that house.
And it's the kids that are suffering - again. And l agree with him.
lt's Steve saying that. lt's him talking me around.
He spends more time at ours than he does here. He'd move in permanently!
- What?! - That's the whole fucking point!
How's that normal?
A 25-year-old bloke. He buys stuff like this.
Oh, no, he'd rather stay on an estate with his girlfriend and five suffering kids -
- none of 'em hers. - Make it sound like a pigsty.
That's what it would look like to him. How could it not?
- (Door opening) - Think.
(Steve) Sorry, Helmet, time's up.
Fiona, the kids just rang. They need us round at yours now.
l'm going. Think about what l said, Fiona.
Right, go, Stan!
Didn't l say l can often surprise myself?
l'm not in the fucking mood. Drive!
l'm not in the fucking mood either, so calm down.
Wing mirror. Blue car. His? Yeah?
So? He doesn't have to pay for it. His work does.
lt's nicked.
The VlN number doesn't match the reg plate.
- How do you know? - He's got a pair of plates in the boot.
Not the current one. Not the original one either.
Hey, again, Mr Premature Ejaculation. Buckle up. We've got work to do.
- We nick him. - We will.
But if we nick him for more,
we're looking at a longer-term sentence, not a holiday camp. Get me?
What's going on?
(Monica) Your dad's got news for you.
(Frank) l'm dying, apparently.
(Fiona) You what?
(Phone ringing)
Yeah, Steven with a V.
McBride.
62 Whalley Lane, Manchester M14 2KM.
(Wilson) lt's not good news.
But don't blame me.
Eviction notice.
They want you out. They mean it. They've had enough of your dad -
not so much the deviance as the lies.
Well, they'll love the next bit.
You best come in, Mr Wilson.
Oh, sweet Jesus, no!
Both wrists and a bottle of tablets.
- l blame meself. - So do l.
- We all do. - l'm off to work.
Work? Surely not?
l fucking hated him. And l need the money.
Are you OK, Mr Wilson?
lt was never the best job in the world, but never this bad
by a long chalk.
Do you mind if l...
Please do. He'd appreciate it if you paid your respects.
Dear Lord, help us house the tenants we could
Show compassion and mercy whenever we should
Lord...
Give us strength when full strength is needed
To nail the ones we know who have cheated
Dear Lord, let not this trickiest job
Make us grand
Or smug or proud
Or snobs.
Something written by wife to help me get through the job.
She died last summer so l know what you're all going through.
So she'll be with me dad?
No, she'll be over the other side
probably.
(Funeral bells chiming)
Dead? How?
Woman over there says heart attack.
Fucking hell...
- Poor Frank. - No, there's summat not right about this.
- Dad! - Get off!
- Another verse and l'd have croaked. - Get back in the coffin!
lt freaks me out. l'm having flashbacks to me mam. She's taking the piss.
- She's trying to show me up. - You don't need help.
lf they catch you, you're dead anyway. ln!
Your parents had a clue, dropping the L from ''normal''.
l never borrowed any money l couldn't repay.
- You're a sad bitch. - Dad!
- ln your box! - Look at all you. Where's the L word?
Loyalty - not doing what you're told by this twisted, rug-chomping
- fucking chimp! - lt's the bailiffs!
lf it's a warrant, we're in trouble.
Frank, get in the coffin.
Get him in, quick.
(Banging at door)
(Banging gets louder)
Show a bit of respect...
You piece of shit!
Too late to apologise for that, love. We were only doing our jobs.
And we feel bad enough to leave this.
(Debbie) To keep?
He was a good bloke, your dad. We meet a lot like him. They mean no harm.
They always think they can pay it back.
Boo! You're not dead!
Get up now, you fuck!
Michael, cut it out.
Two and a half grand, and counting!
- Plus the car one of you nicked. - Michael.
Michael! This is really, really sick.
Hey, hey. No, look...
l mean, l thought he was...
l thought you were...
Oh, shit!
(Debbie) Sheila, come out and help me. Help!
Debbie!
She-Sheila!
- Debbie! - Sheila, help me.
Come on, Sheila. Now!
Get off, you bastards!
(Screaming) Get away!
Get away!
Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!
Sheila, you did it!
- Sheila, it worked. The plan worked! - l did it!
l did it! l did it! l did it! l did it!
(Sobbing)
(Carl) He's dead!
And he's not coming back!
l'd love to know what people thought about me when l'm dead.
You wouldn't if you were Frank.
There's Wilson.
Family only.
Definitely not you! Not tonight.
There's a gazebo and dartboard round the back for punters without invitations.
Frank Gallagher was a deeply valued and respected member of this community.
(Laughter)
He was a good friend and neighbour and he'll be sorely missed.
He once told me in private that if he ever died unexpectedly
that the one thing he'd like saying at his wake
was this...
(Cheering)
l'm ali-i-ve! Heh-heh-heh!
(# (l've Had) The Time Of My Life)
Are you there, Martin? Who the fuck would bury anyone in a white suit?
Whose idea was that?
Tonight, Matthew, l'm going to be
a party-y-y!
When you're ready.
- (lan) ls it OK if l shoot off in a sec? - Who you meeting?
No, you've shown your face. Well done. Once l've slung this down, l'm off.
l thought Liam had a baby-sitter.
- Only till nine. - l'll come with you.
No, you stay. You're not used to a lock-in.
You'll love it.
(Door opening and closing)
So you came home to collect Liam?
Liam's in bed.
Liam sleeps with the lights blazing.
All the upstairs lights are off.
- Have l done something wrong? - No, not...
Five nights out of seven, Liam ends up in my bed
and that doesn't bother you.
- Not if l'm honest. - lt wasn't the question.
The night you met me
why didn't you take me back to your house?
Because yours was nearer.
- And because l don't like mine. - Sometimes, Stevie...
l can't tell whether it's me you're interested in
or my family.
What's that supposed to mean?
lt's obvious we need all the help we can get, so how can we be good for you?
(# Green, Green Grass Of Home)
# The old home town looks the same, Kev
# As l step down from the train
- (Banging) - # And there to meet me is my mama
# And papa #
You never thought l'd stop.
- (Frank) # Down the road, l walk... # - Where's Steve?
- He shot off a while back. - With our Fiona.
# Hair of gold and tits like cherries
- # lt's good to touch - Wait here.
# The green, green grass of home
# Yes, they'll all come to meet me #
Come here, sunshine.
- Do you want a drink, Stan? - l can't. l'm on overtime.
Soda and a couple of beers for later?
Yeah, great, if l'm not in anybody's way.
# The green, green grass of ho... #
Sheila?
l know. lf l look to the left or right, this could be a nightmare
but l don't have to. There you are.
l'm absolutely fine, but if l faint
don't shift us. l'll be right as rain in a few minutes.
- You allowed a drink, Sheila? - Oh, vodka and tonic for me.
Rum and black for Debbie. Thanks, sweetheart.
Just a black. And a straw, please.
Everybody looks 10 years older.
- l feel like Woody Allen. - You look fantastic.
lt's less disorientating if l look at Monica.
She's wearing an outfit l had on when l last went out.
- (Laughter) - The bitch!
- Are you sure you should be doing this? - Absolutely sure.
l need a kiss.
You don't want to overdo it, do you?
You feel a lot safer at home.
l feel alive again, Frank.
l've got a little surprise for you.
(Feedback)
l'm pregnant.
(Whooping)
- (Applause) - (Man) Well done, Frank.
Can l baby-sit, Dad?
Hey, Frank...
you're officially dead.
l am now.
Yes, l like your family.
l love being here.
Every time l turn up, l feel more welcome
and treated better than any place l've ever turned up in my life.
And d-do you know why that is, Fiona?
l'm here because you're here.
l'm here for you.
What do you want? Somebody who doesn't like where you live?
Somebody who wants the total opposite?
- No! - l don't know what l've done wrong!
Nothing, honestly.
Nothing!
l have been dumped on so many times.
Bloody Mum, bloody Dad...
And you are so...
- generous. - With other people's money.
l'm talking about money.
The way you are with the kids.
The time you spend with 'em.
- They love having you around. - This is where l'm confused
cos generally, l think l'm quite a decent bloke.
Plus...
some day soon
l really want to have a family of my own.
l do too.
l hadn't banked on one this big, but l do too.
Ooh... l definitely wouldn't do that, Fiona.
BMW. 3 Series.
Registration Y586...
BC Y.
Or the Shogun from Leeds. No?
- The black Merc from Didsbury? - l'm saying nothing till l get a lawyer.
Fine. Say nothing. We know what nothing means.
(Tony) He's a thief.
He's just a ringer. That's all we've got here.
That's where the money comes from.
Don't listen to a word of this. lt's all bollocks. l want a lawyer.
lt's not ''What Merc?'', just ''l want a lawyer''.
lt's the surest sign you're right.
How come you're on your own, Tony?
- lt's a favour. - For?
The last thing l want is embarrassment for you.
Are you nicking him or not?
- l'll leave that up to you. - Oh, go on!
- No, l'm saying... - What, Tony? What?
You let him go and l'm lumbered with paying back favours to you?
Fuck off. l told you months back that you weren't my type. What do you do?
- Blackmail? - No, it's not.
Bloody is, mate.
- You've told him no, but he's still here. - Only because
l love him.
A bloody car thief?
That's not all he is!
Steven McBride,
- l am arresting you on suspicion of theft. - Oh, no, Tony!
- You do not have to say anything... - Please, Tony, stop!
(Siren)
(Brakes on hard)
(Doors slamming)
How come it's always people like you always get their own way?
- You blew that, mate, not me. - l am not your mate!
lf l take you in, she won't talk to me again, will she?
No.
What have you got l haven't?
l just got there before you, Tony.
l promised that l'd never let anybody do that again.
Look, can l smoke?
Do you want to help me out here?
Could get five years for this.
Have you ever driven a 3.5 litre?
- No. - Give it a try.
Take it for a spin.
Yeah, right. How to keep Tony quiet? Buy him off. You fuck right off!
- l've got principles. - Yeah, so have l.
- Huh! - l've never committed one violent crime.
l've never hurt anyone. l-l...
l've never burgled anyone. l don't need to.
lt's...
lt's a compulsion. l just like driving other people's cars.
Especially when l know they're fully comp.
Just imagine it.
You're nipping out for a pint of milk -
something as...mundane, something as ordinary and boring as that.
You wouldn't believe how sexy that is.
ls it just because...it's not your car?
Precisely that.
And l swear that one
is completely untraceable.
Where would l say l got it?
You bought it from me, in good faith.
You give me a cheque for £15,000, l'll give you 15 grand back in cash.
(Door slamming)
Mum, can l have some egg, Mum? Mum, Mum, how l don't like my egg.
lt's all circular, Mum. Mum, Mum, Mum!
(Chorus of competing voices)
- Mum, what about my chips? - l need a letter for games.
- Mum, there's no ketchup! - Mum!
(All shouting at once)
Liam!
- He's still at the nursery. - (Debbie) And it closes at five.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, Mum...
- At least she came back. - She didn't. She were forced.
- She's only here cos she can't leave. - Right, hands up.
Who believes her when she says she had no idea where we were living?
Time for you to go...Mum.
lf a clairvoyant told me last week l'd be doing this,
l think l'd have hit her.
- (Doorbell) - l'll get that!
- Fiona...how are you? - Sheila, that was fantastic!
And is the other bit true?
Nurse came this morning with the dates for the antenatal.
- l did it! - Oh, congratulations!
Give us them flowers, you.
l was gonna ask if you wanted anything from the supermarket
- but do you fancy coming? - Oh, my God, Frank.
- l can do me own shopping. - Good.
Hey, don't go mad though.
Oh, give over. l'm loaded.
l've spent next to nothing the last five years.
Ooh. Maternity clothes - l love 'em.
Bereavement cards from people who took it seriously.
''Good luck, kids. One man's loss can be a game for many.''
- Victor. - l'll twat him when l see him.
You won't have to if he thinks you're dead.
(Laughter)
And a death benefit certificate for £25.
- lt'll go towards the funeral. - (Sheila) How sweet.
lt's in my name.
Ahhh. But l'll sign it over to you
- as it's the last Giro you'll see. - What you on about?
Well, you can't claim if you're dead, Dad.
(Sheila) Don't be gormless, Frank! Even l worked that one out.
- Devious fucking bitch! - What?
The fucking lezzers have done this to get out of paying maintenance.
But l claim enough for all three of us.
Mum and Norma have settled for 100, in cash, up front, every week to me.
- Says who? - Mum and Norma.
Right.
Frank!
# l will find you there
# You don't have to say you love me just be close at hand
# You don't have to stay forever l will understand
# Believe... #
You stitched me up, you bitch.
You whores of Satan. Where's my money?
Calm down, Frank. Everyone got what they wanted. Nobody stitched anybody.
l can't even claim basic. Basic!
Well, your kids never saw the money anyway.
- They never saw any from her, did they? - She was in recovery.
Fuck off. You stitched me.
Hey, hey. That's enough.
No, don't patronise me.
Frank's a pussy, aren't ya?
Mee-oww, mee-oww.
- Say a prayer! - (Cheering)
Wanker.
Look out!
Oh, Frank! You tosser. What have you done?
You dickhead.
- Are you all right? - Yeah?
Well?
And? OK?
OK, come on. You fuck like a bloke.
Come on, fight like one.
You going for a beer? Three beers, please. You're showing off.
- Which one's yours? - lt's the one at the end
next to the derelict house.
- Hiya, Sheila. - Hiya, Steve!
Hiya, Kev. How are you?
- State of me! - Hiya, gorgeous.
(Sheila) Credit card expired in 2000 so we had to get cash, didn't we?
l loved it!
Sheila, you look about three months more pregnant than last time.
- lt's a cushion. - ls it?
l'm testing my smocks. What do you think?
- God, your shoes are top. - We got lagers here.
We're just having a break, Fiona, from fixing Steve's boiler.
Fucking slave-driver or what?
Let it be and give us an hand with the bags.
Here y'are.
Thanks. Come on.
- And you can pack that in for a start. - What?
- Steve's boiler? He hasn't moved in yet. - Yes, l have.
l took the liberty of bringing some clothes and a bit of furniture.
- Ahhhh. - No, you haven't.
Oh, sorry...
Sorry, you thought l meant your house.
No, you see, l meant ours.
- ls he for real? - Yep.
- He did a cash deal. - For more than it's worth, if you ask me.
lt took a month of hard bargaining.
You weren't meant to find out and that was long before Helmet...
Hey, speak of the bent little devil.
- He-hey! Helmet! - (Whooping)
- Can l look? - Oi. Hey.
Look... l haven't finished.
What l want to say...
is, Fiona, from the bottom of my heart,
l love you.
Happy 21 st.
(She splutters)
(Cheering)
Oi, all right!
- l could fit this over your arm. - Erm, best not, yet.
- lt'll be great in a fortnight. - Kev reckons it only cost 500.
- That's if you want it. - You don't have to.
- l can be in charge next door. - Yeah, that'd be top.
A couple of hands to do it up. That'll come off the insurance claim.
What insurance claim?
Oh, fucking hell!
(Whooping and cheering)
- That'd be your boiler, then, Steve? - Seems like it, Kev.
Wouldn't you know it? British workmanship. Whoo-hoo!
Come here.
(Screams)
(Frank) 'That's why Tony Blair's a no-no.
'Forget lraq. Never mind pensions.
'All that gimp's achieved is making lesbians think they own the place
'while working class heroes like me are left propping the bleeding country up.
'Well, fuck him!
'Actually, don't, l bet he'd love it.'
(TV is on)
(Frank whistling)
(Sheila) You'll have to wait, you dirty boy.
l promised to go and see my mam before she died.
- (Horn) - There's me taxi.
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